Thoughts

Have you ever wanted something so long and so bad that you loose sight of what it would be like if it actually happened? K and I had this discussion while driving home last night. I never imagined that the process of creating a baby would take longer than carrying a baby to term. I really, really thought it would be easier than this. Never had I thought that after much testing, a surgery, multiple Dr. visits (and doctors, mind you), hormones up the wazoo, and countless cycles we would still be trying to reach our goal of expanding who we are from a "couple" to a "family."

In fact, I'm to the point where I can't really fathom what life would be like when we do actually have a child. I can picture the joyous elation I will feel when I tell K and our families when we are pregnant...but past that? Having a life grow inside my belly? Giving birth? It just seems so far away.

Looking back, I can see that we have come a long way since we first started trying. I have learned so much about my body, my relationship with K, and my deepening relationship with God. I am stronger in knowing that this gift will truly be a gift from above and that we will be entrusted to raise our children with a sound knowledge and relationship with God. I have learned that perhaps patience is not really one of my strong suits. I have learned to cherish the small things in life: coffee in a Holiday cup (this deserves a whole post in and of itself), a hug from one of my students, K starting dinner for us. I have learned to appreciate what we have and am trying every day not to be envious of what others have.

Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning, perhaps not. I can't say why God has chosen this path for me; however, I can keep my belief that I am where I am meant to be.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord...be strong, wait for the Lord and let your heart take courage." Psalm 27: 13-14

The Bird Watching Hat

I've recently developed an affinity for hats. Let me clarify...not just any hats, but hats one wears in cooler weather. On Black Friday I acquired one such hat. It's delightful! Made from soft, red yarn and with a little brim. I first tried it on by myself and wasn't quite sure it was 'me.' Then I showed my momma and aunt and they thought it looked cute. Sold! I purchased the sweet little hat and proudly showed it off to K. He, however, was not at all impressed. He didn't think it looked quite right.

I decided that I liked the hat and started to wear it places. One day, I wore it to school. As we were bundling up the kids to go outside, I nonchalantly put on my hat, and started zipping up kids' coats. One little girl looks up at me was a strange look on her face and starts giggling. "Mrs. W," she asks me, "why are you wearing a bird watching hat?"

A bird watching hat?! Is there really such a thing? Because if there is this girl was SO not aware that she had purchased one. I will say that my little fashionista's comment made me reconsider my hat...perhaps it really isn't all that cute? After all, who is more honest than a five year old? So I ask you, my Internet friends, yay or nay on the so-called bird watching hat?

Hormone Hope

So, it's been a while since I last posted. Like 2 months. I guess inspiration just hasn't hit me recently. However, I started this blog as a way to have a reminder of the journey we've been on TTC a baby...so I feel as if I should keep up with the updates.

Dr. Delightful has our problem narrowed down to less than stellar hormone levels; specifically progesterone and estrodial. I've gradually been adding new drugs to my regular diet of HCG in the name of Clomid and awesome estrogen patches. Now, mind you, my momma has been wearing an estrogen patch for the past number of years to combat menopause symptoms. So you can imagine how delighted I was to find out that not only do I need these but also that my mom is using the exact same drug (down to the brand name, mind you) but in a lower dosage. Awesome.

However! Taking all these drugs does cause some side effects. Not as many as I would expect, thankfully, but side effects nonetheless. The most prevalent is the hot flashes caused by the Clomid. Now, I am a cold natured person by default and can normally be found bundled up in my fuzzy pink bathrobe, slippers, and blanket when I'm at home. (I've prefaced this to give impact ;) ) I have actually found myself rolling down the window in my car in 14 degree weather to alleviate the effect of these bad boys! Thankfully they only last about 5-7 minutes...but boy, oh, boy are they wicked!

Another potential side-effect is some, ahem, increased emotions. I say potential since I am a very emotional person by nature...I'm not sure if this can fully be attributed to the wacky hormone levels. I just tend to get worked up very easily and can't really see a light at the end that will make me better...and then all of a sudden I'm back to normal. Awesome.

Last cycle I told myself that the primary goal was to increase both hormone levels, but primarily the estrodial since that was the one with the least amount of change. This was the first time I didn't have the primary goal to be to achieve pregnancy because, let's face it...until these hormones are normal it just isn't going to happen. You can imagine the delight and excitement I felt when I got a call from Cathleen (Dr. Delightful's nurse) that not only was my progesterone 'good' but that my estrodial had finally changed from a 4 to 11.9. We shall keep praying that my levels stay around the normal range and that a pregnancy is in our near future.

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears! Oh MY!

Have you noticed that I've now posted twice in as many days? This is a rare occurrence my friends. What I should be doing is doing some reading for school. But no, I shall regale you with a funny story from this evening:
On Sunday I happened upon the Kroger ad and saw that they were selling candy cheap this afternoon. This thought slipped my mind until I got in the car to make my way home from school. A Kroger ad popped on the radio and reminded me ever so kindly that there was a Sale! On Candy! So, what did I do? Yep, I made the slight detour to Kroger.
Only, when I was almost there I saw a man and a little bear walking down the road. Closer inspection revealed that this was not a real bear, but a little kid dressed up like a bear. I naively thought that this little one just couldn't get enough of his Halloween costume and wanted to wear it for a walk with his dad. Because this does make total sense if you're three.

Next I pull into the parking lot and am greeted by a princess, cat, and pumpkin. Hmmm...how strange there are more kids dressed up in costumes. I mean, we are only halfway through October!
Then I walk in the store. Oh. My. Gosh. There are parents and kids EVERYWHERE. And the kids? Yup, all of them are dressed up. For Halloween. On a Tuesday. On October 19th. Because apparently? It's trick-or-treat at Kroger.

The Kroger ad people kindly forgot to add that not only are they selling cheap candy today but also that they're doing this because they want the kids who are in there trick-or-treating to buy more! Just in case you're wondering, I did brave the under 8 crowd and fight my way to 1 bag of peanut butter cups and 2 bags of Milky Ways. :-D

Side Effects

The last time I delighted you with my update you learned that I had taken Clomid during the previous cycle. Well my friends, Dr. Delightful has upped the dose of this fantastic drug because my Estrodial was still at a 3 during my last lab work. Upping the dose means that I'm taking a full pill each day (if you remember I took half a pill the previous cycle) but it's still the lowest dose the make (50mg). Unfortunately I'm now feeling side effects that's didn't decide to reveal themselves last time around.

Well, I should start by saying that the cramps I had during my last period were pretty awful; I'm attributing that to the small dose I took last cycle. This cycle I'm getting the occasional headache (nothing too hateful) and Mood Swings accompanied by Hot Flashes. It's a fun time in this household, let me tell ya! Poor K...

Dr. Delightful's nurse (Cathleen) told me that if this doesn't up the Estrodial than I will go on an Estrodial pill next cycle. Which makes me scratch my head because if there is such a thing why don't I just take it now? We'll see where this cycle takes us...

Outside My Window

We happen to live on a highway out in the country. This means one might see corn fields, cows, tractors, and the occasional billboard. One of these said billboards happens to be right down the road from us and it's close enough that when I look out the right window I can see it.

You needed all that info for what I'm going to tell you next:
Tonight I was minding my own business cleaning up supper and happened to look out the window. I noticed the billboard and it registered that it had changed from this morning. In fact, it looked like there was a clown now on the billboard. Surely I must be mistaken, I thought to myself. What kind of company would want a clown on their billboard?

Apparently Safe Auto. This is not just any clown my friends, but a freakishly scary, insane looking clown. Because apparently? This is a HALLOWEEN billboard for Safe Auto. Do people normally equate scary clowns with auto insurance?

Now, I, like other people I know, do not really care for clowns. In fact? I think they're scary. And now there's one right outside my window. Perhaps for Thanksgiving they will put up a demonic looking turkey...
(I tried to take a picture for y'all because I realize this post is worthless without one...but I guess my camera doesn't have good zoom. Perhaps tomorrow!)

Confusion

At the beginning of this cycle I thought to myself: "Self, perhaps it's time to take a month off. Dr. Delightful said you should begin Clomid + HCG and you're having trouble getting the Clomid." Well, I ended up getting the Clomid (at good ole' Walmart) and took it on days 5-7. I was prepared to also take the HCG...but I had the oddest ovulation ever. I had stronger ovulation cramps than normal and they seemed to last several days. These were in conjunction with a BBT rise and EW cervical fluid. All signs toward ovulation, no?
At least that's what I thought. Then my good ole' body threw me for yet another loop and decided to confuse me by delighting me with more fertile-ish quality cervical mucus. I now know that this second round of stuff that I saw was not really "fertile" but it threw me for enough of a loop to not begin my HCG. I mean, in all honesty, how was I to know that I really ovulated?
And then? When I woke up this morning I felt a bit crampy and had a bit of spotting. 13 days after I think I ovulated. Which is the earliest I've ever spotted. LOL, when you look at all these factors I really think that this was God knocking me on the head saying "You really should take a month off!" Because I've never had a cycle this wonky!
We'll see what the next cycle brings...