Have you ever wanted something so long and so bad that you loose sight of what it would be like if it actually happened? K and I had this discussion while driving home last night. I never imagined that the process of creating a baby would take longer than carrying a baby to term. I really, really thought it would be easier than this. Never had I thought that after much testing, a surgery, multiple Dr. visits (and doctors, mind you), hormones up the wazoo, and countless cycles we would still be trying to reach our goal of expanding who we are from a "couple" to a "family."
In fact, I'm to the point where I can't really fathom what life would be like when we do actually have a child. I can picture the joyous elation I will feel when I tell K and our families when we are pregnant...but past that? Having a life grow inside my belly? Giving birth? It just seems so far away.
Looking back, I can see that we have come a long way since we first started trying. I have learned so much about my body, my relationship with K, and my deepening relationship with God. I am stronger in knowing that this gift will truly be a gift from above and that we will be entrusted to raise our children with a sound knowledge and relationship with God. I have learned that perhaps patience is not really one of my strong suits. I have learned to cherish the small things in life: coffee in a Holiday cup (this deserves a whole post in and of itself), a hug from one of my students, K starting dinner for us. I have learned to appreciate what we have and am trying every day not to be envious of what others have.
Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning, perhaps not. I can't say why God has chosen this path for me; however, I can keep my belief that I am where I am meant to be.
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord...be strong, wait for the Lord and let your heart take courage." Psalm 27: 13-14
Dreaming Big
10 years ago
1 comments:
Absolutely. After Maria was born I went through the "why me" phase and I have to say it was a LONG time before I really understood "why". My friend Kelly told me to always remember that God chose me to be her mother for a reason. All that time I felt bad for her. I felt like if she had had a different mother, she would not have had such a hard life. But it made us ALL so much stronger. And I'm sure you and ken will one day look back on this and think the same thing. You will see how it made you appreciate your child more than the "average" person. You will see that God chose you and ken to be together and He chose your child specifically for you. Even if He's taking a little longer than we'd like to make up His mind ;-) lol
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